Memories That Haunt

I was less than 5 years old when I saw my father beat my mother with closed fists. This happened in my biological family, before the CAS took us away.

"Why did you hit Mommy?" I asked my father. "I didn't." he said.

I think that memory stayed with me my entire life, because there was a disconnect between what I saw and the answer I received. When the mind can't reconcile events like this, it can become a memory that haunts.

My mother suffered from mental illness and for those first 5 years of my life she was in and out of mental hospitals. She took the physical and emotional abuse my father heaped on her. Maybe she didn't think she deserved any better.

When my father started abusing his children though, she gathered all the strength she could and left him, taking us with her. Unfortunately, without the social safety net we have today, she was unable to support 4 children and she sank deeper and deeper into psychosis, until one day the police showed up with a CAS worker. She spent the next 7 years in a psychiatric hospital; we spent the rest of our childhood in foster homes.

I have a new appreciation for how she tried to protect us. When I was younger, I perceived her loss of us as a "weakness". When I became a mother myself, I felt that she should have been able to hold it together for the sake of her children. Now I feel a sadness, that all these years after she's gone, I finally understand and appreciate her.

My father remarried, to a woman who had 5 children - 3 girls, 2 boys. I don't know if he abused his wife, but I do know he abused her children. She knew about the abuse and yet she stayed. When I talked to her about it, she felt she had no options, no way to leave him. When he went to jail for sexually assaulting her daughters and a grand daughter though, she covered for him. And waited for him to return. At his funeral a couple of years ago, she tried to give me a hug, and I couldn't.

"Why not?" she asked. "I never did anything to you."
"Because you stayed." I told her.

My mind can't reconcile this and it's become a haunting memory. Why does a woman stay with a pedophile? Why does she cover for him and protect him? Why does she let him hurt her children? Is it weakness? Is it insecurity or lack of intelligence? I can't understand it.

She wasn't an evil person herself - she was a bit gruff (east coasters tend to be like that), but I don't think she was a "bad" person. I am reminded of the following quote though "All it takes for evil to survive is for good men to do nothing." She did nothing, and evil survived.

She passed away 2 days ago at the age of 85. I didn't go to see her in the hospital. To be honest, because of my condemnation of her, my presence would only have upset her. I'll go to her funeral though, out of respect for my step brother and his family. She was his mother after all.

A chapter in my life is now over. I thank her, for helping me to respect and appreciate how hard my mother tried, with everything stacked against her to protect her children. That's what mothers are supposed to do. I finally forgive my mother for not being stronger - she obviously was an amazing person.


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Kinark Family Services - An Opinion

What is the Mandate of Kinark Family Services?

I admit openly that I am often confused. Today is one such day. Let me explain...

In September 2011, my niece came to stay with me for the year. She had many, many issues, and I thought she could benefit from some counselling and support. The Kinship worker at York Region CAS, recommended that I contact Kinark. I was hopeful that they could provide some counselling for my niece.

Three lengthy telephone interviews were involved. I provided all of the background information for my niece, and comprehensive explanations of the situation and problems. My time is valuable, but this was an important thing to do - to get some help for my niece.

No advice or support was ever given. Months and months went by. I just got off the phone with Kinark - they'd like to know how things are going. I asked where the support was. Seems I'm still on a waiting list.

Over the past several months, I've spoken to other parents who have attempted to get service from Kinark for their children. All of them told me they'd had the same experience. Nothing provided.

So I started searching, because I was curious to know exactly what their mandate is. Here is the description they gave Revenue Canada for their charitable foundation status:

The Kinark Foundation advances the social and emotional well-being of children and youth by raising funds and creating awareness in support of Kinark Child and Family Services and other organizations focusing on children's mental health. The Foundation makes grants to a broad range of initiatives including research, pilot projects, services for children, youth and families, collaborative community-based projects, and equipment/capital needs.

Digging a little deeper, I find that most of their efforts revolve around fundraising. Now, I admit to being ignorant about their other "initiatives", but it seems to me not many people are getting services. I plan to find out which of our government agencies provides funding to them.

Maybe I've had a bad day, maybe I'm frustrated and out of patience. My "perception" is that this agency collects funds to maintain a database of information and then provides various reports. That seems to be their prime directive. So, all the time I, and other parents, have spent on the phone with them, is just going to fill up their database with information, and add to their numbers on their reports so they can justify receiving more funds. After all, they have an enormous number of "clients" on their database. How many of these clients actually received any services though? If I needed to vent about the situation with my niece, there are a number of friends I could have called, and none of them would have used my tax dollars to talk to me.

Is this an agency that exists solely for the purpose of creating jobs for people? After all, they have to pay those people who talk on the phone, and that person who maintains their database, and that person who runs the reports they use as justification for more funding.

As a society, we can't afford the luxury of these "make work" projects anymore. There are children out there who, for whatever reason, need help. Maybe the funding given to this agency should be redirected to an organization that actually has front-line workers out there in the field. Perhaps the various CAS societies? Wouldn't that be a better use of our tax dollars?

If anyone reading this has had a different experience, I'd really like to hear about it. I'd also like to hear if you share my frustration and confusion. Why is the CAS and other agencies referring families and children to Kinark, when there's really no services provided by them? Have we become a nation of bean counters, where all that's important is counting up the number of children with mental health issues, as opposed to actually providing counselling and to them and their families?


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.