Friendships

There are times in my life when I become very introspective and start to over-analyze almost everything. Especially when it comes to friendships. I almost feel like an alien at times, trying to figure out the social norms of our society. What is this thing called friendship?

I turned to Wikipedia for answers. And I realize that friendships are more complicated than I realized, because there are many types of friends. I think my problem is not realizing that.

• Agentic friends look to each other for help in achieving practical goals in their personal and professional lives. They value sharing time together, but only when they have time available to help each other. These relationships typically do not include the sharing of emotions or personal information.
• A buddy is someone with whom you engage in a particular activity. 
• A family friend is the friend of a family member or the family member of a friend.
• Internet friends are similar to pen pals and  may evolve into a real-life friendship.
• Best friends/close friends are characterized by intimacy, trust and a sense of permanence. The contacts between the close friends tend to be frequent.

North Americans view friends differently than other cultures. Friends tend to be people whom they encounter fairly frequently, and that are similar to themselves in demographics, attitude, and activities. While many other cultures value deep trust and meaning in their friendships, Americans will use the word "friend" to describe even acquaintances. Many studies have also found that Americans eventually lose touch with friends, which is an unusual occurrence in many other cultures. In fact, studies show that one quarter of all North Americans have no close confidants.

In fact, Paul Hollander wrote in 1973 that in North American society, the term "friendship" is applied to relationships which in most of Europe would be called acquaintance-ships. Many observers of our society have suggested that our friendships tend to be superficial, short-lived, and limited in intimacy. Our friendships do not often become lifelong exchanges of solidarity and moral and emotional support.

Friendships are rarely one-sided though, as it takes two individuals to negotiate the boundaries in a relationship and a friendship will not survive very long if only one person is making the effort to sustain the relationship without any help or recognition from other person.

So it seems my difficulty is in realizing the types of friendships I have, accepting what they're not, and setting my expectations accordingly. I need to be aware that friendships can change just as life changes; close friends drift apart and become acquaintances or even just Internet friends, while agentic friends may evolve into closer friendships.

The take away lesson from all of this is when your friends show you the type of friend they are, believe them, and you won't be disappointed by expecting more than they're willing or capable of giving to the friendship.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

What's Your Political Party?

When it comes to politics, I can be very clear in my opinions. That doesn't mean that I'm not open to discussion or debate though, but I don't think I make that clear enough sometimes. Let's face it - I am not a political expert and I may disagree often without necessarily knowing all the facts. I'd love to know the facts. 

My opinions are formed through things I have learned 

• through historical experience (let's face it - I'm old enough to have known a lot of different type governments in my life),
• from what I've learned from other people who have different knowledge and ideas,
• from reading the opinions of others for whom I have tremendous respect. 

I've never understood the kind of people who voted for a particular party, regardless of who the leader or candidate was, just because they'd always voted for that party, and maybe even because for a couple of generations their family had always voted for that party.That's so American though! As Canadians, let's be smarter.

My daughter once asked me how someone knew who to choose in an election. My advice to her is advice that works for everyone I think. I asked her to think about the kind of person she was and what she expected of her country, then to listen to each of the various people's platforms and vote for the party who was promising to provide that kind of country or those values.

Some people vote for a party because of a single issue, but I think it's important to understand each of the issues. 

Some people are afraid of change, especially in times of turmoil. Is it a coincidence though, that we seem to be having a "time of turmoil" in one area or another before the last few elections? 

If you're waiting for the "perfect" time to change a government, economic or security wise, let me suggest there never will be a perfect time. The right time is when you really want change.

As the author John E. Lewis once said “If not us, then who? If not now, then when?”

I know it's easy to attack the person currently holding the office and maybe you don't think that's fair. Wouldn't you agree though, that it keeps the governing party from getting too comfortable? If they KNOW that they're going to be watched, measured and judged, don't you think they might start coming through on some of their election promises? If you screw up in YOUR job, wouldn't you expect to be let go eventually? Sure, the company might worry that it's going to take a new person some time to get up to speed, but if they end up being better at the job, isn't it worthwhile then?

Listen, I'm not suggesting who you should vote for. I'm going to continue examining my values and beliefs, and expressing my opinions, and everyone else needs to do the same thing.  Between now and October 19^th, each of us needs to do three things:

1. Figure out,
• What kind of people are we and what do we expect of our country?
• Which party's platform better matches our values?
2. Make sure:
• We're not voting on a single issue.
• We're not voting based on fear of any kind.
3. Go out and vote. Because every vote matters.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Reality Check

Sometimes I need a reality check. Today might be one of those times.

We all go through periods of time when we feel sorry for ourselves. Maybe we haven't achieved as much as we would have liked. Maybe we don't get the respect we feel we deserve. Maybe we have too much stress, and no time to relax.

Maybe.

This is when I need to take stock of my life. Of what it is and what it could have been. It could have been better. But it could  have been worse. Much worse. I need to count my blessings.

It's very hot outside today. But rather than having to work outside in the heat, or in an overheated factory, I get to sit in my cool office with my blinds drawn and my fan gently blowing on me. And while I sit here in this comfortable environment, I have to admit I'm making a lot more money than either of the other scenarios.

I don't have a set quota I must achieve every day. My quota is a bigger picture - a set amount achieved within a reasonable amount of time. If I'm having an off day, I can work a bit faster tomorrow (or since today is Friday, I'll work faster on Monday). I never have to work weekends. Or evenings/nights. I don't have to deal with the public.Actually my manager is on vacation this week, so I don't have to deal with anyone.

I'm spoiled.

I took a two hour lunch (I don't often do that, but when I do, it's okay) and sat on a patio and soaked up the sun. Watching the ice melt in my glass of water and learning to appreciate warm red wine.

Many people have it better than I do (more money? three hour lunches?) but so many people have it worse. I shouldn't compare. I should appreciate what I have and be satisfied with that.

A friend once told me I should ask myself "will any of this matter in six months?" I'll go one better - "If I die tomorrow, will any of this matter?" I'll just enjoy the moment. Appreciate the moment. Value the moment.

And stop drinking warm red wine - it makes me too mellow and ruins the afternoon.

It's all good!

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.