Friendships

There are times in my life when I become very introspective and start to over-analyze almost everything. Especially when it comes to friendships. I almost feel like an alien at times, trying to figure out the social norms of our society. What is this thing called friendship?

I turned to Wikipedia for answers. And I realize that friendships are more complicated than I realized, because there are many types of friends. I think my problem is not realizing that.

• Agentic friends look to each other for help in achieving practical goals in their personal and professional lives. They value sharing time together, but only when they have time available to help each other. These relationships typically do not include the sharing of emotions or personal information.
• A buddy is someone with whom you engage in a particular activity. 
• A family friend is the friend of a family member or the family member of a friend.
• Internet friends are similar to pen pals and  may evolve into a real-life friendship.
• Best friends/close friends are characterized by intimacy, trust and a sense of permanence. The contacts between the close friends tend to be frequent.

North Americans view friends differently than other cultures. Friends tend to be people whom they encounter fairly frequently, and that are similar to themselves in demographics, attitude, and activities. While many other cultures value deep trust and meaning in their friendships, Americans will use the word "friend" to describe even acquaintances. Many studies have also found that Americans eventually lose touch with friends, which is an unusual occurrence in many other cultures. In fact, studies show that one quarter of all North Americans have no close confidants.

In fact, Paul Hollander wrote in 1973 that in North American society, the term "friendship" is applied to relationships which in most of Europe would be called acquaintance-ships. Many observers of our society have suggested that our friendships tend to be superficial, short-lived, and limited in intimacy. Our friendships do not often become lifelong exchanges of solidarity and moral and emotional support.

Friendships are rarely one-sided though, as it takes two individuals to negotiate the boundaries in a relationship and a friendship will not survive very long if only one person is making the effort to sustain the relationship without any help or recognition from other person.

So it seems my difficulty is in realizing the types of friendships I have, accepting what they're not, and setting my expectations accordingly. I need to be aware that friendships can change just as life changes; close friends drift apart and become acquaintances or even just Internet friends, while agentic friends may evolve into closer friendships.

The take away lesson from all of this is when your friends show you the type of friend they are, believe them, and you won't be disappointed by expecting more than they're willing or capable of giving to the friendship.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

The Definition of Friendship

When I was growing up, the word "Mother" or "Mom" held a special significance for me. I would often see people call their friends' mothers "Mom" but I never could. That title had to be earned and was very special. I only called one woman "Mom", and that was my foster mother, Alice Peak. Since she's been gone, I have found it a bit easier to call my mother-in-law by that title. After more than 20 years, I think she's earned it, as she holds a special place in my heart.

Along those same lines, I've been thinking a lot lately about what truly is a "friend". I think the definition is a bit confusing because we throw it around far too casually. Maybe this is because of social media sites like Facebook, where a friend can be anyone with similar interests, such as a group like Toastmasters, or the same school, employment, or even just someone who plays the same games as you do. I have "friends" on Facebook that I've never met, who know little to nothing about me.

At an event yesterday a woman introduced me to someone else as her friend. We do this all the time. But my first thought was that we were not friends. I seldom saw her, we never called each other, I'd been to her house once in 20 years (I was duped into going to a Tupperware party), etc. Can we not just introduce people by their names? "Hi Sam, I'd like you to meet Mary".

But even the "friends" who do know me, are they really friends in the truest sense of the word? I did a Google search to define "friend" and found an interesting article in Psychology Today on this subject and it defined the things that draw people together as friends as,

• Common Interests
• History
• Common Values
• Equality

It went on to define what makes a person worthy of the name,

• A commitment to your happiness
• Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles
• A good influence

So, with that in mind, I thought about what the word friend meant to me - what do I expect of my friends?

I think a friendship requires work. It requires reaching out sometimes, even if just to say "I'm here for you if you need to talk". It requires time, and that can mean doing things together, getting together for a cup of coffee sometimes, or even just putting aside the time to call and chat. It requires truth - friends have to be honest with each other and not just tell the other person what they want to hear, but truth does need to be told in a supportive manner so it's not perceived as criticism. A friend is someone you should be able to depend on - the proverbial shoulder to cry on, a person you can call when you're feeling down.

I  know I haven't always been a good friend. I've lost friends, and potential friends, along the way because I didn't give the friendship the time it needed. And if I'm totally honest with myself, not all of my "friends" are really friends. I have friends I only hear from when they need something from me, who never seem to be there when I need someone to talk to, who, even knowing I'm going through a rough time, never call me or send me a message just to see how I'm doing. And then there are the types of friends I only hear from when there isn't a man in their life. As soon as they're in a relationship, it can be months before I hear from them.

I want to be a better friend and I'm going to hold my friends to a higher standard as well. I'm not going to be the only one doing the work a friendship needs, but I will make the effort.

This week, knowing a friend was going through a rough time, I drove out to Alliston to take them out to dinner and then we relaxed on their deck so they could put their worries aside for a few hours. I let them know how much I'd missed seeing them lately, that I was sorry for what they were going through and that this too would pass. Before we left, I made sure we had a semi-plan for getting together again.

Life can be tough and we all need friends.


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

When a friend dies...

A friend died today. We hadn't been close over the past few years, ever since my mother passed away, actually. Stuff happened; words were exchanged. It was a difficult time for both of us. I was going through the grief of losing my parents and was thrown unexpectedly into menopause; Rita had a lot of health & family issues. Eventually we drifted apart.

In the past couple of years, we had talked again. Not about important stuff, she wanted help to buy a new computer, then she needed help to fix her computer. We kept the conversation light, and said we should get together for bingo sometime (she was my bingo buddy years ago and we would go to games a couple of times a week). We never actually did go to bingo though. I had been thinking of her recently, of calling her and getting together for bingo. Neither one of us had been to bingo in years.

I had no idea she wasn't well. She had had a bypass operation years ago, but I thought she was doing well. The last time I saw her, she had lost weight and had quit smoking. I was amazed at how well she looked. She had two grandchildren, and she was so proud of them! She had also gotten in touch with some relatives in Nova Scotia and went down there every year to visit.

I waited too long to call. When I got home from work, there was a message on my phone from Jim, her husband. She'd gone into the hospital for angioplasty, but the surgeon said the blockage was too severe and booked her for another bypass, which she had yesterday. This morning at 9:30 a.m. she went into cardiac arrest and passed away.

Rita and I were very close in age; my birthday is on January 13, while hers was on December 24, so we were less than a month apart.

So, how did this affect me? I am grieving for my friend. Time and distance and differences separated us, but I will always remember her and I will always regret that I didn't call her to get together for bingo sooner. I will also take better care of myself - I'm overweight, have dangerously high cholesterol and high blood pressure. Losing the weight is the first step.

51 is too young to leave. I hope you're in a better place Rita. You will really be missed.

Goodbye my friend, rest in peace.

Rita Lepine
December 24, 1956 - June 6, 2008




This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.