I Lose People

Thinking back over the years, I've come to realize that I lose people. For no particular reason except that life moved on and we lost touch.

I envy people who are still close friends with people they went to school with; how you must trust them like family. Sadly, few people in my high school would even remember me. It isn't totally my fault though - at sixteen I had to leave my foster home suddenly and the next several years are best described as a nightmare.

They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. That makes sense. There were people who shared difficult times with me, people who helped me and who helped shape me into the person I became, people that I was able to help in some way, and people who will remain in my heart forever, even if they're gone.

It's easy to lose people. One of you moves away, gets a new job, starts a new relationship (ever notice how some people forget their friends when they're in a relationship? That's a post for another day though). We have every intention of keeping in touch, getting together, remaining friends. Life moves on though, and you look back and think, "Wow! Has it really been that long?" A year, five years, ten years, twenty years.

Some friends are meant to be though, and your paths with cross again. That was the case with my elementary school friend, Susan Hayman (now Holbrow). I used to walk by her house on Beechgrove Road every Sunday on my way to St. Joseph's Church. She started coming with me. That always confused me because she wasn't Catholic - she didn't HAVE to go to church. She even came to summer camp with me one year - and shortly after that her family moved to Fullerton California. We wrote to each other for awhile, but the letters eventually dwindled. I'm so happy to see her whenever she visits Canada, and one day I will visit California.

This past year saw me reconnect through Facebook with my high school friend, Karen Robbins. These two women are my only connection to the girl I used to be. Karen in particular, knew me best - she knew the difficulties I faced when I was sixteen. Even after I left my foster home, we stayed in touch, lived together for awhile, and then we lost touch. I searched for her for years, to no avail. I still remember the day she connected with me on Facebook - I literally cried.

My biological parents are gone. My foster parents are gone. My foster sister is gone. I am not close with my biological siblings. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world. That's when I start thinking of the people I've lost and I ask myself why I allowed that to happen.

At a funeral recently, I reconnected with a man named Mark. I had met him for the first time when I was 16 I think (those times are very cloudy for me). I saw him again when I was in my mid-20's. I had been sent by the company I was working for to Edmonton, Alberta to do some training. He was a bus driver in Edmonton. He showed me around the city and then we found a restaurant that served perogies (the beginning of my love affair with perogies!). I don't know why we didn't keep in touch. I got his phone number though, and I'm going to try to stay in touch.

If you're reading this - I don't want to lose you too - there's a reason we met and keep in touch. Don't let me lose you.


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

The Definition of Friendship

When I was growing up, the word "Mother" or "Mom" held a special significance for me. I would often see people call their friends' mothers "Mom" but I never could. That title had to be earned and was very special. I only called one woman "Mom", and that was my foster mother, Alice Peak. Since she's been gone, I have found it a bit easier to call my mother-in-law by that title. After more than 20 years, I think she's earned it, as she holds a special place in my heart.

Along those same lines, I've been thinking a lot lately about what truly is a "friend". I think the definition is a bit confusing because we throw it around far too casually. Maybe this is because of social media sites like Facebook, where a friend can be anyone with similar interests, such as a group like Toastmasters, or the same school, employment, or even just someone who plays the same games as you do. I have "friends" on Facebook that I've never met, who know little to nothing about me.

At an event yesterday a woman introduced me to someone else as her friend. We do this all the time. But my first thought was that we were not friends. I seldom saw her, we never called each other, I'd been to her house once in 20 years (I was duped into going to a Tupperware party), etc. Can we not just introduce people by their names? "Hi Sam, I'd like you to meet Mary".

But even the "friends" who do know me, are they really friends in the truest sense of the word? I did a Google search to define "friend" and found an interesting article in Psychology Today on this subject and it defined the things that draw people together as friends as,

• Common Interests
• History
• Common Values
• Equality

It went on to define what makes a person worthy of the name,

• A commitment to your happiness
• Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles
• A good influence

So, with that in mind, I thought about what the word friend meant to me - what do I expect of my friends?

I think a friendship requires work. It requires reaching out sometimes, even if just to say "I'm here for you if you need to talk". It requires time, and that can mean doing things together, getting together for a cup of coffee sometimes, or even just putting aside the time to call and chat. It requires truth - friends have to be honest with each other and not just tell the other person what they want to hear, but truth does need to be told in a supportive manner so it's not perceived as criticism. A friend is someone you should be able to depend on - the proverbial shoulder to cry on, a person you can call when you're feeling down.

I  know I haven't always been a good friend. I've lost friends, and potential friends, along the way because I didn't give the friendship the time it needed. And if I'm totally honest with myself, not all of my "friends" are really friends. I have friends I only hear from when they need something from me, who never seem to be there when I need someone to talk to, who, even knowing I'm going through a rough time, never call me or send me a message just to see how I'm doing. And then there are the types of friends I only hear from when there isn't a man in their life. As soon as they're in a relationship, it can be months before I hear from them.

I want to be a better friend and I'm going to hold my friends to a higher standard as well. I'm not going to be the only one doing the work a friendship needs, but I will make the effort.

This week, knowing a friend was going through a rough time, I drove out to Alliston to take them out to dinner and then we relaxed on their deck so they could put their worries aside for a few hours. I let them know how much I'd missed seeing them lately, that I was sorry for what they were going through and that this too would pass. Before we left, I made sure we had a semi-plan for getting together again.

Life can be tough and we all need friends.


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.