When I was growing up, the word "Mother" or "Mom" held a special significance for me. I would often see people call their friends' mothers "Mom" but I never could. That title had to be earned and was very special. I only called one woman "Mom", and that was my foster mother, Alice Peak. Since she's been gone, I have found it a bit easier to call my mother-in-law by that title. After more than 20 years, I think she's earned it, as she holds a special place in my heart.
Along those same lines, I've been thinking a lot lately about what truly is a "friend". I think the definition is a bit confusing because we throw it around far too casually. Maybe this is because of social media sites like Facebook, where a friend can be anyone with similar interests, such as a group like Toastmasters, or the same school, employment, or even just someone who plays the same games as you do. I have "friends" on Facebook that I've never met, who know little to nothing about me.
At an event yesterday a woman introduced me to someone else as her friend. We do this all the time. But my first thought was that we were not friends. I seldom saw her, we never called each other, I'd been to her house once in 20 years (I was duped into going to a Tupperware party), etc. Can we not just introduce people by their names? "Hi Sam, I'd like you to meet Mary".
But even the "friends" who do know me, are they really friends in the truest sense of the word? I did a Google search to define "friend" and found an interesting article in Psychology Today on this subject and it defined the things that draw people together as friends as,
- Common Interests
- History
- Common Values
- Equality
It went on to define what makes a person worthy of the name,
- A commitment to your happiness
- Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles
- A good influence
So, with that in mind, I thought about what the word friend meant to me - what do I expect of my friends?
I think a friendship requires work. It requires reaching out sometimes, even if just to say "I'm here for you if you need to talk". It requires time, and that can mean doing things together, getting together for a cup of coffee sometimes, or even just putting aside the time to call and chat. It requires truth - friends have to be honest with each other and not just tell the other person what they want to hear, but truth does need to be told in a supportive manner so it's not perceived as criticism. A friend is someone you should be able to depend on - the proverbial shoulder to cry on, a person you can call when you're feeling down.
I know I haven't always been a good friend. I've lost friends, and potential friends, along the way because I didn't give the friendship the time it needed. And if I'm totally honest with myself, not all of my "friends" are really friends. I have friends I only hear from when they need something from me, who never seem to be there when I need someone to talk to, who, even knowing I'm going through a rough time, never call me or send me a message just to see how I'm doing. And then there are the types of friends I only hear from when there isn't a man in their life. As soon as they're in a relationship, it can be months before I hear from them.
I want to be a better friend and I'm going to hold my friends to a higher standard as well. I'm not going to be the only one doing the work a friendship needs, but I will make the effort.
This week, knowing a friend was going through a rough time, I drove out to Alliston to take them out to dinner and then we relaxed on their deck so they could put their worries aside for a few hours. I let them know how much I'd missed seeing them lately, that I was sorry for what they were going through and that this too would pass. Before we left, I made sure we had a semi-plan for getting together again.
Life can be tough and we all need friends.
This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.
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