Friendships

There are times in my life when I become very introspective and start to over-analyze almost everything. Especially when it comes to friendships. I almost feel like an alien at times, trying to figure out the social norms of our society. What is this thing called friendship?

I turned to Wikipedia for answers. And I realize that friendships are more complicated than I realized, because there are many types of friends. I think my problem is not realizing that.

• Agentic friends look to each other for help in achieving practical goals in their personal and professional lives. They value sharing time together, but only when they have time available to help each other. These relationships typically do not include the sharing of emotions or personal information.
• A buddy is someone with whom you engage in a particular activity. 
• A family friend is the friend of a family member or the family member of a friend.
• Internet friends are similar to pen pals and  may evolve into a real-life friendship.
• Best friends/close friends are characterized by intimacy, trust and a sense of permanence. The contacts between the close friends tend to be frequent.

North Americans view friends differently than other cultures. Friends tend to be people whom they encounter fairly frequently, and that are similar to themselves in demographics, attitude, and activities. While many other cultures value deep trust and meaning in their friendships, Americans will use the word "friend" to describe even acquaintances. Many studies have also found that Americans eventually lose touch with friends, which is an unusual occurrence in many other cultures. In fact, studies show that one quarter of all North Americans have no close confidants.

In fact, Paul Hollander wrote in 1973 that in North American society, the term "friendship" is applied to relationships which in most of Europe would be called acquaintance-ships. Many observers of our society have suggested that our friendships tend to be superficial, short-lived, and limited in intimacy. Our friendships do not often become lifelong exchanges of solidarity and moral and emotional support.

Friendships are rarely one-sided though, as it takes two individuals to negotiate the boundaries in a relationship and a friendship will not survive very long if only one person is making the effort to sustain the relationship without any help or recognition from other person.

So it seems my difficulty is in realizing the types of friendships I have, accepting what they're not, and setting my expectations accordingly. I need to be aware that friendships can change just as life changes; close friends drift apart and become acquaintances or even just Internet friends, while agentic friends may evolve into closer friendships.

The take away lesson from all of this is when your friends show you the type of friend they are, believe them, and you won't be disappointed by expecting more than they're willing or capable of giving to the friendship.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

What's Your Political Party?

When it comes to politics, I can be very clear in my opinions. That doesn't mean that I'm not open to discussion or debate though, but I don't think I make that clear enough sometimes. Let's face it - I am not a political expert and I may disagree often without necessarily knowing all the facts. I'd love to know the facts. 

My opinions are formed through things I have learned 

• through historical experience (let's face it - I'm old enough to have known a lot of different type governments in my life),
• from what I've learned from other people who have different knowledge and ideas,
• from reading the opinions of others for whom I have tremendous respect. 

I've never understood the kind of people who voted for a particular party, regardless of who the leader or candidate was, just because they'd always voted for that party, and maybe even because for a couple of generations their family had always voted for that party.That's so American though! As Canadians, let's be smarter.

My daughter once asked me how someone knew who to choose in an election. My advice to her is advice that works for everyone I think. I asked her to think about the kind of person she was and what she expected of her country, then to listen to each of the various people's platforms and vote for the party who was promising to provide that kind of country or those values.

Some people vote for a party because of a single issue, but I think it's important to understand each of the issues. 

Some people are afraid of change, especially in times of turmoil. Is it a coincidence though, that we seem to be having a "time of turmoil" in one area or another before the last few elections? 

If you're waiting for the "perfect" time to change a government, economic or security wise, let me suggest there never will be a perfect time. The right time is when you really want change.

As the author John E. Lewis once said “If not us, then who? If not now, then when?”

I know it's easy to attack the person currently holding the office and maybe you don't think that's fair. Wouldn't you agree though, that it keeps the governing party from getting too comfortable? If they KNOW that they're going to be watched, measured and judged, don't you think they might start coming through on some of their election promises? If you screw up in YOUR job, wouldn't you expect to be let go eventually? Sure, the company might worry that it's going to take a new person some time to get up to speed, but if they end up being better at the job, isn't it worthwhile then?

Listen, I'm not suggesting who you should vote for. I'm going to continue examining my values and beliefs, and expressing my opinions, and everyone else needs to do the same thing.  Between now and October 19^th, each of us needs to do three things:

1. Figure out,
• What kind of people are we and what do we expect of our country?
• Which party's platform better matches our values?
2. Make sure:
• We're not voting on a single issue.
• We're not voting based on fear of any kind.
3. Go out and vote. Because every vote matters.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Reality Check

Sometimes I need a reality check. Today might be one of those times.

We all go through periods of time when we feel sorry for ourselves. Maybe we haven't achieved as much as we would have liked. Maybe we don't get the respect we feel we deserve. Maybe we have too much stress, and no time to relax.

Maybe.

This is when I need to take stock of my life. Of what it is and what it could have been. It could have been better. But it could  have been worse. Much worse. I need to count my blessings.

It's very hot outside today. But rather than having to work outside in the heat, or in an overheated factory, I get to sit in my cool office with my blinds drawn and my fan gently blowing on me. And while I sit here in this comfortable environment, I have to admit I'm making a lot more money than either of the other scenarios.

I don't have a set quota I must achieve every day. My quota is a bigger picture - a set amount achieved within a reasonable amount of time. If I'm having an off day, I can work a bit faster tomorrow (or since today is Friday, I'll work faster on Monday). I never have to work weekends. Or evenings/nights. I don't have to deal with the public.Actually my manager is on vacation this week, so I don't have to deal with anyone.

I'm spoiled.

I took a two hour lunch (I don't often do that, but when I do, it's okay) and sat on a patio and soaked up the sun. Watching the ice melt in my glass of water and learning to appreciate warm red wine.

Many people have it better than I do (more money? three hour lunches?) but so many people have it worse. I shouldn't compare. I should appreciate what I have and be satisfied with that.

A friend once told me I should ask myself "will any of this matter in six months?" I'll go one better - "If I die tomorrow, will any of this matter?" I'll just enjoy the moment. Appreciate the moment. Value the moment.

And stop drinking warm red wine - it makes me too mellow and ruins the afternoon.

It's all good!

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Give Me Back My Canada

Right before every election, I become very outspoken. So much so that many of my friends and relatives think I'm very politically involved. I'm not. I'm not even a supporter of any particular party. I like to judge each of them each on their own merits and record.

In case you're wondering, I'm not anti-government either, because that would make me an anarchist, wouldn't it? No, I'm one of these rare people who actually don’t mind paying taxes. We need people to run the government, right? They need to get paid. We also need all the stuff the government is supposed to do - improve our infrastructure, develop our social and healthcare programs - lots of stuff. It takes money.

What I don't like is wasting money. Or greed. I work hard for my money. I don't want to give it (voluntarily or not) to be wasted foolishly. Isn’t that reasonable?

Our current federal government believes in trickle down economics which, if I'm not mistaken, means giving tax breaks to corporations who in turn will create more jobs. Guess what? It doesn't work.

A business owner I know (who shall remain anonymous) is actually a huge supporter of unions (imagine that!), and when we discussed the tax breaks our government was giving businesses, he told me he'd gladly take the tax break but he wouldn't be creating any more jobs with it. He just increased his profits. He even went so far as to say if the government cancelled those tax breaks or INCREASED his taxes, he'd be okay with it. He said he could afford to pay more.

Isn't that interesting?

So, we have a Conservative federal government that has operated on the principle of trickle-down economics and what does their record show? I've lost count of the number of criminal charges against members of parliament or the senate. Our environmental record is terrible. Our treatment of First Nations people is shameful. Our rights and freedoms are under attack. We have to deal with a secretive, disdainful government (how many times did Harper prorogue parliament? Remember when he was found in contempt of parliament?) Our national resources are being sold off to foreign interests. The economy is stagnate, unemployment remains the same, and we're actually heading into a recession. Good job guys!

On the other hand, we have a Liberal provincial government who loves to waste money. Cancelled gas plants, the ORNGE scandal, the e-health scandal - not to mention the assets we've lost - selling off Hydro One, allowing beer and wine to be sold in the stores, etc. All to "balance the budget". The provincial debt has gotten so bad, we've had our credit rating downgraded. Even the CEO of Chrysler Canada is complaining that the high costs of hydro is this province may force them to leave. But this is the land of milk and honey, isn't it? So we're going to give the organizers of the Pan Am games millions of dollars in bonuses, and for what? For doing jobs they already are being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars (over $400k to one). Wow. Can I get a 100% bonus too for just doing what I'm paid to do? Where's the rationale for that?

It's easy to throw other people's money around I guess. And when we have no more revenue generating assets left, we can always go back to the trough and raise taxes, right?

I'm becoming cynical. I'm starting to believe the reason these people are in politics is because they are incompetent and would not survive in the corporate world. It's time we start holding our government responsible. It's time to see politicians charged when they breach our trust. Take their gold plated pensions away when they break the rules.

More importantly, it’s time to elect responsible government. A Government with the interests of the people in mind - you know, common people, working people, people like you and me.

Give me back the Canada I was born into.
Give me back the Canada who was respected internationally.
Give me back the Canada that was a shining example of fiscal responsibility.
Give me back the Canada I used to be so proud of.

I don't belong to a political party so I'm not going to suggest who people should vote for. Each one of us needs to examine the leaders we have in power today, and decide what type of country we want Canada to be.

What do you want your Canada to look like?



This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Why I Write

One of the reasons I started a blog was to be able to write - I've always used writing as an outlet, especially during difficult times. Writing helps me sort my thoughts out, but it's also really cool to look back on things I wrote a few years ago, and maybe see how my opinions have changed.

The following article goes through all the physical and emotional reasons why it's good for us to write.

Science Shows Something Surprising About People Who Love to Write

With that in mind, I'm trying to write on a more consistent basis.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Hope?

I tried something new today - I went for a service at a new "church" called Hope for Today Fellowship.

Studies show that the happiest people feel like they are part of a community. Many of my friends have found this feeling of community through religion. I have to admit - I struggle with religion. I was raised a Roman Catholic and I still haven't decided if God blessed my life, or cursed it. I long for the peace and serenity that people belonging to a religious group feel.

There are many reasons why I don't attend Catholic services. I won't go into details - suffice to say the services don't fulfill me, they just make me sad. Sad with regret that my relationship with my church turned out this way.

So, is a Christian fellowship for me? Nope. After half an hour of singing, they had the collection. Then the sermon began. Hebrews Chapter 10. The sermon was about God's wrath and vengeance. Sitting there listening to that, I was filled with the feeling that not only am I probably cursed in this life, it seems I may be cursed in the afterlife. How depressing. I didn't stay to hear the rest but left. I even left behind the gift bag they give visitors.

I may struggle with my religion, but I want to hear a message of redemption and salvation, of love and forgiveness, of a kind benevolent father. I don't need someone to fill me with fear and trepidation - that's already my life.

So keep your vengeful God. He's not mine.


This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Impatient, Intolerant, and Opinionated

I've decided that's what I am. But underneath all that is a person with strong beliefs and loyalties. I just get tired of the bullshit sometimes. Warning!! Rant ahead!!

Lately the bullshit is the stuff that happens in my small town. It's messed up for sure but I don't think it's just this town, I think it's society in general. A lot of it is Facebook too I think. I belong to a couple of groups in my town. I think what I need to realize though, is that the people who have the time to post are the ones with nothing else to do in life. It doesn't necessarily represent the entire town.

Here's what bugs me lately:

One young lady (23) has 2 children and no high school diploma. I guess she was too busy screwing around to go to school. She's looking for a place to rent, and she's complaining people charge too much to rent out houses. I tried to explain to her that there are costs a home owner (landlord) needs to cover. Things like the mortgage payment, property taxes, insurance, etc. Plus if she wants a place that's inclusive, there's utilities that have to be paid as well. Then there has to be a contingency for repairs, etc. All that is BEFORE any profit to the landlord (home owner). The problem is this person is on Ontario Works (welfare), so she's having a hard time finding a place within her means. She feels landlords should prefer renting to her because she has a "guaranteed" income. Huh? Since when is welfare "guaranteed"? She says she can only get minimum wage jobs so it's not worth working because she would have to pay daycare. No family in the area to help her either. Oh, and she has a deadbeat boyfriend (unemployed) that she's living with, and supporting I guess. With our tax dollars.

I suggested she try and get her high school equivalency. Response? No point since she can't afford a college education. Huh? A friend of mine tried to hire her as a part time receptionist and had to let her go because she can't even spell.

If she manages to get a good job, she'll get her driver's license and car, because that will make it easier for her. I guess she's not thinking about gas, insurance, repairs, etc. Huh?

Now, I know she went to high school here, so if she has no family nearby, did they move away from her? That's a strange thing for parents to do, isn't it?

Why does all this bother me?

Because I was a single parent once upon a time. I was once homeless too. So, I don't buy excuses.

I can understand one mistake (one child), but two? When you can't support them? When I had my daughter I had a decent job. Things were tough, but I could afford to support her. I worked hard, took at least one college course at a time and remained employable. Of course things are easier now - you can do a lot of courses online.

There's more.

Another single mother on Ontario Works. Again without a high school diploma. Tattoos and piercings all over her face. And guess what? She's pregnant. But this time, she wants to pay a Douala to help her through her pregnancy and labour. Obviously our welfare system is way too generous if she can afford that. Even when I was working I couldn't afford that when I was expecting my daughter. Or maybe I could but I wasn't stupid enough to spend money on stuff like that when I was going to have to support a child.

I like helping people out. I volunteer at a few places in town. I believe in having a social safety net - that's part of being Canadian I guess. But for the love of God, would someone please show me where in our Canadian Bill of Freedoms and Rights it says that single mothers are entitled to 18 years of support? Get a grip, please!!

How about we provide subsidized daycare while they go to school and make school mandatory? How about we subsidize daycare while they work at whatever job they can find, and top up their income if it's that much below the poverty line? How about we have a contract when they go on welfare, stating the amount of support they will get and an action plan to become self-sufficient? And not give them more money if they decide to have another child. We need to be careful not to create a welfare state here.

Let's all remember it's charity, and my tax dollars go to fund it. I am glad to be able to help when needed but there has to be some restrictions or conditions. Privacy and entitlement be damned.
I'm getting tired of the bullshit. There's already too much bullshit in my life.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

A Question of Ethics

I’d like to start by admitting that I’m “old school”. I believe that when a person posts an article that they did not write, that they should give credit to the original author. Just because something is posted online does not mean it is free; it’s just another method of publishing and the author retains all rights.

Occasionally I’ll see articles on LinkedIn or various business blogs, that I have reason to believe are not written by the person who posted it. Sometimes these articles will say “Posted by”, and that lets me know that the person posted it is not the original author. I’d still like to know who the original author is though, so I often turn to my friend Google. I’ll search for the first two sentences of the article, with varying degrees of success.

Other times, the person posting the article lists themselves as the Author. Being old school, I believe that’s called plagiarism. I also believe it speaks to the character of the person who does this. It’s dishonest, misleading, deceptive, and leads to me question how much I can trust any other assertion they make about their skills and abilities.

There’s a plethora of examples currently on Linked In, which makes me wonder if there is a subscription service somewhere that provides these articles on a regular basis for a fee. I wonder this because it’s the same group of individuals posting the exact same articles. I’ve commented on a couple, asking if such a subscription service exists, but nobody is answering me.  Despite my best efforts, I’ve been unable to locate the original authors.

So I’m throwing it out to the community at large (meaning my contacts on Linked In). Is there such a service?

Here are a few examples - try searching these phrases and you’ll see what I mean:

“Where Hackers Go to Shop for Malware

You might recall how the Silk Road, an illegal online drug market, was recently shut down. Similar to the Silk Road, there’s another distributor of sensitive information out there; this one dealing with zero-day vulnerabilities. These types of cyber threats sell for top-dollar, and hackers are willing to pay in order to access your network.”

“How to Monitor Employee Communications Without Taking What’s Said Personally

There seems to be some confusion in the workplace regarding the privacy of digital communications made over a company network. Can an employer read an employee email or record a phone call without employee consent?”

“Do You Trust Your Employees Enough to Offer Unlimited Vacation Time?

As a business owner, you know how difficult establishing a paid time off policy is. Providing too little can make your business seem unfair, but giving away too much might make you feel like you’re losing money.”

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Just Another Sunday

After dinner, I sat to watch CBC's the Fifth Estate; it always makes me think about societal issues. Tonight they're talking about the garment factories in India and other places, all so that Joe Fresh and Walmart can import cheap clothes for us.

http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/episodes/2013-2014/made-in-bangladesh

That got me thinking - would I be willing to pay more for "ethical" clothes? Yes. I would pay more if I could be convinced that they truly were "ethically" made. I've experienced clothing stores where designer labels were placed over the regular labels and tags, to misrepresent the garment.

It's like fish in Canada. Nobody wants to eat fish from China, so they stopped buying all fish where the packaging said "Imported from China" or "Processed in China". Now all they'll say is Imported for ABC Foods, Burlington, ON (for example). It's impossible to see the country of origin anymore - and that is SOOO wrong. I'm not being racist (I don't think) if I vehemently state that I don't want to eat food that's been produced or processed in what is pretty much the dirtiest country in the world. These are the people who put Lead Paint into infant formula and milk, to make them more white. That proved to me that China has very little control over the food industry there. Oh sure, once found guilty, I believe they're put to death, but that's little consolation after you find out that you've been drinking lead for 2 years. Really.

I've been looking at an online clothing store - Holy Clothing Company. Theoretically, their clothes are handmade in India and the workers are ethically paid. The clothing is beautiful, and very reasonably priced. Maybe too reasonably priced. I'd love to buy a few items, but I need to do more research first.

I might write another post later and tell you what I found out.

Or I might not.




This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

I Lose People

Thinking back over the years, I've come to realize that I lose people. For no particular reason except that life moved on and we lost touch.

I envy people who are still close friends with people they went to school with; how you must trust them like family. Sadly, few people in my high school would even remember me. It isn't totally my fault though - at sixteen I had to leave my foster home suddenly and the next several years are best described as a nightmare.

They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. That makes sense. There were people who shared difficult times with me, people who helped me and who helped shape me into the person I became, people that I was able to help in some way, and people who will remain in my heart forever, even if they're gone.

It's easy to lose people. One of you moves away, gets a new job, starts a new relationship (ever notice how some people forget their friends when they're in a relationship? That's a post for another day though). We have every intention of keeping in touch, getting together, remaining friends. Life moves on though, and you look back and think, "Wow! Has it really been that long?" A year, five years, ten years, twenty years.

Some friends are meant to be though, and your paths with cross again. That was the case with my elementary school friend, Susan Hayman (now Holbrow). I used to walk by her house on Beechgrove Road every Sunday on my way to St. Joseph's Church. She started coming with me. That always confused me because she wasn't Catholic - she didn't HAVE to go to church. She even came to summer camp with me one year - and shortly after that her family moved to Fullerton California. We wrote to each other for awhile, but the letters eventually dwindled. I'm so happy to see her whenever she visits Canada, and one day I will visit California.

This past year saw me reconnect through Facebook with my high school friend, Karen Robbins. These two women are my only connection to the girl I used to be. Karen in particular, knew me best - she knew the difficulties I faced when I was sixteen. Even after I left my foster home, we stayed in touch, lived together for awhile, and then we lost touch. I searched for her for years, to no avail. I still remember the day she connected with me on Facebook - I literally cried.

My biological parents are gone. My foster parents are gone. My foster sister is gone. I am not close with my biological siblings. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world. That's when I start thinking of the people I've lost and I ask myself why I allowed that to happen.

At a funeral recently, I reconnected with a man named Mark. I had met him for the first time when I was 16 I think (those times are very cloudy for me). I saw him again when I was in my mid-20's. I had been sent by the company I was working for to Edmonton, Alberta to do some training. He was a bus driver in Edmonton. He showed me around the city and then we found a restaurant that served perogies (the beginning of my love affair with perogies!). I don't know why we didn't keep in touch. I got his phone number though, and I'm going to try to stay in touch.

If you're reading this - I don't want to lose you too - there's a reason we met and keep in touch. Don't let me lose you.


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

The Definition of Friendship

When I was growing up, the word "Mother" or "Mom" held a special significance for me. I would often see people call their friends' mothers "Mom" but I never could. That title had to be earned and was very special. I only called one woman "Mom", and that was my foster mother, Alice Peak. Since she's been gone, I have found it a bit easier to call my mother-in-law by that title. After more than 20 years, I think she's earned it, as she holds a special place in my heart.

Along those same lines, I've been thinking a lot lately about what truly is a "friend". I think the definition is a bit confusing because we throw it around far too casually. Maybe this is because of social media sites like Facebook, where a friend can be anyone with similar interests, such as a group like Toastmasters, or the same school, employment, or even just someone who plays the same games as you do. I have "friends" on Facebook that I've never met, who know little to nothing about me.

At an event yesterday a woman introduced me to someone else as her friend. We do this all the time. But my first thought was that we were not friends. I seldom saw her, we never called each other, I'd been to her house once in 20 years (I was duped into going to a Tupperware party), etc. Can we not just introduce people by their names? "Hi Sam, I'd like you to meet Mary".

But even the "friends" who do know me, are they really friends in the truest sense of the word? I did a Google search to define "friend" and found an interesting article in Psychology Today on this subject and it defined the things that draw people together as friends as,

• Common Interests
• History
• Common Values
• Equality

It went on to define what makes a person worthy of the name,

• A commitment to your happiness
• Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles
• A good influence

So, with that in mind, I thought about what the word friend meant to me - what do I expect of my friends?

I think a friendship requires work. It requires reaching out sometimes, even if just to say "I'm here for you if you need to talk". It requires time, and that can mean doing things together, getting together for a cup of coffee sometimes, or even just putting aside the time to call and chat. It requires truth - friends have to be honest with each other and not just tell the other person what they want to hear, but truth does need to be told in a supportive manner so it's not perceived as criticism. A friend is someone you should be able to depend on - the proverbial shoulder to cry on, a person you can call when you're feeling down.

I  know I haven't always been a good friend. I've lost friends, and potential friends, along the way because I didn't give the friendship the time it needed. And if I'm totally honest with myself, not all of my "friends" are really friends. I have friends I only hear from when they need something from me, who never seem to be there when I need someone to talk to, who, even knowing I'm going through a rough time, never call me or send me a message just to see how I'm doing. And then there are the types of friends I only hear from when there isn't a man in their life. As soon as they're in a relationship, it can be months before I hear from them.

I want to be a better friend and I'm going to hold my friends to a higher standard as well. I'm not going to be the only one doing the work a friendship needs, but I will make the effort.

This week, knowing a friend was going through a rough time, I drove out to Alliston to take them out to dinner and then we relaxed on their deck so they could put their worries aside for a few hours. I let them know how much I'd missed seeing them lately, that I was sorry for what they were going through and that this too would pass. Before we left, I made sure we had a semi-plan for getting together again.

Life can be tough and we all need friends.


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

A Milestone

This week marks an important milestone for me - it has been a year since I quit smoking. I started smoking when I was 15 years old - so I could be "cool". I quit smoking last year, after the very quick and traumatic experience of losing my sister to lung cancer. So I smoked for over 40 years. Wow!

I always wanted to quit. I kept trying to find an easy way though, Can you believe I've been through hypnosis, acupuncture, patches, nicotine gum, zyban, as well as a quit smoking program offered at a local hospital once when I was younger. The older I got, the harder quitting seemed to be. The last time I tried to quit, I actually became physically ill - shaking, sweating, headache, etc. I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that I would always be a smoker.

And then I found the perfect program to help me quit - I had to watch this aggressive cancer completely destroy someone I loved, in a brutal way. I suddenly realized that I'd been lying to myself all my life; every smoker lies to themselves.

Cancer only happens to others.
When my number's up, my number's up. It's fate.
Who wants to live forever, anyway?
I have relatives that lived to be almost 100, and they smoked.

It goes on and on. My sister told herself each of these lies. Let me tell you how things transpired. In chronological order.

- A woman I worked with lost her husband to a form of lung cancer.
- A coworker developed lung cancer, and it metastasized and went in his brain. He kept smoking until he died.
- A coworker's mother died of lung cancer. The world lost a beautiful woman I admired. My coworker begged me to quit smoking.

My sister was being treated for bronchitis since December 2013, but it wasn't getting any better. I was planning to visit and she kept asking me to wait until she felt better. One day at the beginning of April 2014, she phoned and told me she had bad news; she had a tumor in her left lung and she was having more tests done. I went right away to be with her. I held her while she cried that she didn't want to die. I tried to be strong for both of us. I gave her diet advice, bought her Essiac, signed her up for the Trillium program so her prescriptions could be paid.

I drove my sister and her daughter to the Respirologist in Windsor. We had to take the CDs with the MRI results to give him. I made a copy of them before we went. She had to go in a wheelchair because she was having trouble breathing. He asked if any of us still smoked and my niece and I raised our hands. "Take this as a wake up call" he said. I realized that I had been getting a lot of wake up calls lately. So many people around me had died of lung cancer, and it was getting closer.

When I got home, I looked at the copies of the CD and I saw the cancer filled almost the entire lung and had spread to the bronchi and throat. I knew she likely wasn't going to make it, but I wanted to help her fight. And then nothing happened. No calls to start chemo or radiation. Nothing. I was panicking - time was of the essence! Then my niece called me and told me she was in the hospital. She was weak and had lost a lot of weight.

I took my daughter with me so that she could have a chance to see her aunt one more time, just in case. On the way to Chatham, my daughter said "I hope with what's happening that you're not going to smoke this weekend." I promised her I wouldn't and I bought some nicotine gum and threw my cigarettes away.

At the hospital, I begged my sister to keep fighting. She said "Why?" She couldn't breathe, she had trouble swallowing. They had her on a morphine pump and told her she had to get stronger before they could give her chemo; she was too weak for it. She never got stronger. The cancer had spread to the other lung, to her throat, lymph nodes, stomach, intestines, liver, kidneys - it was everywhere.

Lung cancer is one of the most aggressive forms of cancer.

Within a month she had gone from crying she didn't want to die, to begging for death. The next week I got a phone call from my niece on May 2, 2014, a Friday afternoon, right before I left work. My sister had insisted on the chemo, despite being told she wouldn't survive. She seemed to be better for a little while after the chemo and was sitting up and talking. Then she went into a coma. I picked my daughter up and drove like crazy to get there. I didn't make it. She passed away about 45 minutes before I arrived.

I didn't need a lot of gum. I keep telling myself that I can never have a cigarette again, my life depends on it. I never want my daughter to watch me die that way. I counted the days on my calendar and every day I gave myself a number. I knew if I slipped, I'd be back at zero. I didn't slip. I wanted to though, and even now a year later - I want a cigarette. I even went so far as to steal a cigarette out of a friend's pack. If you've never smoked, you have no idea the hold this has on you! But I didn't smoke it. My sister's death will count for something.

So it's one year later. I had found the most effective way to quit. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and yet in many ways, the easiest.

I miss you Cecile.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Memories That Haunt

I was less than 5 years old when I saw my father beat my mother with closed fists. This happened in my biological family, before the CAS took us away.

"Why did you hit Mommy?" I asked my father. "I didn't." he said.

I think that memory stayed with me my entire life, because there was a disconnect between what I saw and the answer I received. When the mind can't reconcile events like this, it can become a memory that haunts.

My mother suffered from mental illness and for those first 5 years of my life she was in and out of mental hospitals. She took the physical and emotional abuse my father heaped on her. Maybe she didn't think she deserved any better.

When my father started abusing his children though, she gathered all the strength she could and left him, taking us with her. Unfortunately, without the social safety net we have today, she was unable to support 4 children and she sank deeper and deeper into psychosis, until one day the police showed up with a CAS worker. She spent the next 7 years in a psychiatric hospital; we spent the rest of our childhood in foster homes.

I have a new appreciation for how she tried to protect us. When I was younger, I perceived her loss of us as a "weakness". When I became a mother myself, I felt that she should have been able to hold it together for the sake of her children. Now I feel a sadness, that all these years after she's gone, I finally understand and appreciate her.

My father remarried, to a woman who had 5 children - 3 girls, 2 boys. I don't know if he abused his wife, but I do know he abused her children. She knew about the abuse and yet she stayed. When I talked to her about it, she felt she had no options, no way to leave him. When he went to jail for sexually assaulting her daughters and a grand daughter though, she covered for him. And waited for him to return. At his funeral a couple of years ago, she tried to give me a hug, and I couldn't.

"Why not?" she asked. "I never did anything to you."
"Because you stayed." I told her.

My mind can't reconcile this and it's become a haunting memory. Why does a woman stay with a pedophile? Why does she cover for him and protect him? Why does she let him hurt her children? Is it weakness? Is it insecurity or lack of intelligence? I can't understand it.

She wasn't an evil person herself - she was a bit gruff (east coasters tend to be like that), but I don't think she was a "bad" person. I am reminded of the following quote though "All it takes for evil to survive is for good men to do nothing." She did nothing, and evil survived.

She passed away 2 days ago at the age of 85. I didn't go to see her in the hospital. To be honest, because of my condemnation of her, my presence would only have upset her. I'll go to her funeral though, out of respect for my step brother and his family. She was his mother after all.

A chapter in my life is now over. I thank her, for helping me to respect and appreciate how hard my mother tried, with everything stacked against her to protect her children. That's what mothers are supposed to do. I finally forgive my mother for not being stronger - she obviously was an amazing person.


This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.